.middle of nowhere.

i guess i AM at the age where important decisions need to be made in my life, though something tells me i AM past that. i don’t know about for you, but for me, the years go quicker than they did when i was nine. back then i was going to be an astronaut, an explorer of the unknown, a traveller of space, a knight in the last frontier. everybody grows up.

“you got me messed up if you think i’m going to be following you across the country, just living wherever,” words from my ex. she must of saw it in me; a desire for the world. i had to have it. all of it. in the palm of my hand.. they say that is man’s ego, the death of him. each year i see myself creep closer to demise, ignoring the calendar.

i must of lost sight some time ago, as i don’t even know where i AM at anymore. how did i allow myself here? what is the point in continuing this realm??/ the kinds of questions i have begun to ask myself drive past ‘what do i believe in,’ and bother ‘why???/’ the truth i live is a lie to this world, or perhaps it is my existence that is the lie. no one bothers.

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.the lost boy.

it’s fight weekend and everybody is in vegas celebrating… everybody except me, of course, because i AM lost. or maybe it’s i lost. i didn’t want to believe it, but when the truth stares at you silence replies.

after kanye ran up on stage at the grammy’s, and i saw beyoncé’s response i felt in debt. i knew i had lost. i made a promise to myself for change and the world collapsed around me. my own mother, who had stood by my side for so long turned my father against me, then exposed herself after catching me listening to “heaven…” making me wonder, is heaven even listening??/  part of me always suspected, but the fight that song caused let it be known. it was a big fight, stretching twelve rounds itself, ending with her getting her boyfriend to help jump me, and me taking a trip to the hospital. proving some wounds will never heal, my choices were limited.
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